Things learned/remembered tonight

So as the day was coming to a very needed end, I made the silly mistake to look for sweet tart jelly beans at another store... well, how about that? Swimsuits on sale... and wait, there's one I wanted to get last season... in my size... this HAS to be my day, right?! Wrong. I took 2 different ones, and learned, my booty is in NO way ready for swimsuit season to come around, and I need to avoid them until absolutely necessary or I'm drunk enough not to care. Then, wait, clearance jeans, for under $5. Heck yes. Oh wait, and they even have my size... off to the dressing room I go... only hang my head... I can't even pull one pair up b/c  my thighs are too big... and the other pair ... uh, lets just say  muffin top.... so I decided to go a size bigger and just wing it. Then off to look for the jelly beans, but NOPE, they don't have all their Easter selection out either... too bad they didn't have liquor there or I would've gotten sum of that to sooth my irritated shopping trip.... And to top it off... I remembered that NO McDonald's in Arkansas has shamrock shakes... and just let me tell you, that's just a sin! And now it's bed time....

life

One of those days is today.... that I realized I would  forget about beach vacations, having a pet, and even having children... if it meant 1 thing.... and now I'm doing without all those things and not getting that other thing. So when I take a step away from my life and look at it. I am not getting fulfillment from the things that mean the most to me, and I'm trying to fill those with things that make me look happy... And gosh darn it, I'm doing a fabulous job with the way I'm filling it... at least for other ppl... it's just days like today that make me analyze my life hardcore, that I realize that I have nothing in my life worth living for...

Lies

So I've realized in the past few days that my life has become a big lie. I've  listened to people's comments about my life and realize how great of a front I must be putting on. I've been told that "it seems like ur life has really turned around for you" as I look them and laugh extremely long and hard in my head. Heck, I'm bitchy all the time, and it's all I can do to put up with stupid ppl and live my life without cracking... I can't answer the question of what my purpose is in my job or my life... heck, that has to be the worst feeling in the world. And I'm done with it! Just done...  Is it wrong that this years resolution is happening on feb 4 weekend? good cuz I'm doing it! I'm not having a pitty party 2night, I'm having, I enjoy life evening... and hopefully I won't do it alone... and if so, screw it, I am more than capable of a great life on my own! 

life decisions and where they lead

So I found out today that my 20 year old cousin is pregnant. Yes, that's right, she's 20 and from the north, not married, actually, probably not even sure which one of her 2 unsteady boyfriends is the father. Her dad, who is a complete douche, even asked her what the hell she was thinking b/c she doesn't like kids and can't feed her animals, but every 3rd day or so. I mean, I hope this is what will change her life around and  get her in the right direction. But should the responsibility lie in the hands of an uncapable being who is innocently brought into this world?! I think NOT! And then to go even further, is to think there is me... who in a few days will b 26... a few years ago, I had planned on being married by now and on my way to having children. But alas, I don't think I'm any closer than when I was 14! And I LOVE children... from their runny noses to their dirty diapers, to their desire to share the weirdest facts and craziest parts of their imaginations... I can't get enough of it... and I'm waiting for that time when I feel like I'm prepared to bring a little life into a safe, caring environment. I honest broke down and cried when  my mom told me about my cousin. It breaks my heart that this is the situation that a life is being brought into... and then I think a part of me is jealous... b/c at least there would be someone I could care for that would appreciate my love and affection! But I want the best for my future child, and right now is not the best... and may never be, and this fact, makes me sad, to the depths of my being... but very few people can understand this fact. Just gotta pray for the best and that this little life that is being brought into the world is smothered with love... And at the end of this day, I have to remember that everything happens for a reason even if we can't see what that reason is!

Days of 13

I never believed in Friday the 13th or the 13th floor, or any of that jazz... but this 13th, I wish I didn't have to live through. Highs and lows are to be expected... but I wish there could be days that are just taken out of the calendar. This day will Forever be remembered as one that some doors are closed and then some doors are opened. What happens when the doors that open, aren't the ones you want at all. How long do you wait? It seems as though I've been waiting and it's getting me no where... but there's really no other options at the moment.... o this 13th day of 2011... Good day to you, and good ridence as the day comes to an end! Thank God! (I dropped the F bomb today... and I NEVER do that)

On another note: I love the song, You are the Best Thing That ever happened to me! Oh, Ray LaMontagne... sing it!! There's just something about ppl who feel their music! And "I" love it!! (And today that might be what I'm going to sleep holding on to.... thanks Ray, u make me feel that it's okay to experience life!)
But When someone loves someone that much, how do you express it? Well I have my own way, and I'm sure others have their special ways. Floating on clouds and dancing around. That's where I'd be. To each his own... as is every day of this life! I made it through another one! : )