control freak

So I know now how stupid I was that when looking back. I remember so times that I feared I wasn't changing my life, only b/c I wanted control... and thought that keeping it the way it was, would be the only way I could keep control of it. But alas. I wasn't in control of it then at all, I just feared the different path, changing my life, meant for me to travel. I feared it so much, I stayed and put myself through way too much crap. I know it wasn't my fault that I wasn't treated great, but it was my fault that I stayed, and put up with it. The fear of the unknown was just too much for me to bear. And then, with that fear building, and all my frustration building, it all came to a boiling point. And sha bang. Probably the worst spot in my life. I felt like I had no where to turn, no one to cling to, nothing. But that was just all an illusion too, b/c I had super great friends through it all, parents who literally DID EVERYTHING that they could for me, and a God who never left my side. It's so crazy that my view can change so much in retrospect, even so soon. But this has been such a learning experience... and not an easy one, but a much needed one. I know there are many more lessons to learn, and control will always be a struggle of mine, but every day at the beginning and end, and countless times in between, I say to myself, "let it go, just let it go"

Memories

So I've realized that watching a taylor swift video when you don't feel the best physically and you've been drinking wine, is NOT a good idea. There is only so much my heart can handle. And as much as that amount has been growing lately, it still has it's limits. And right now I've reached it for the day... this started out being a reminiscent  time about a few memories that I can't get out of my head... and I'm just gonna throw those out there right now... There's many memories that I've wanted... and I've had to create them for myself... like the time that my initials were carved in wood with another persons with a heart in the middle... I had to do it... like the time I laid in the hammock with someone beside me... b/c I'd begged for it for hours, like the first time I held your hand walking down the street, b/c i grabbed it and you were tipsy, like the time when we were alone in the middle of the lake on your boat, b/c no one else could go and you didn't want to miss a day,  like going skinny dipping for the first time, b/c i guilted you into it and no one else was around, like toasting to our everlasting love and getting married, b/c I was sick of the path of our life.... And my favorite memory ever is the time when a country cd was put on and you held your hand out to me and we slow danced in your living room... and that is the one memory that i did nothing to create... it was pure bliss and my heart holds onto that forever. And there are so many others that I try to push back and forget and right now they're all coming at once and I seriously just want no b sad any more. After someone turns their back on you, and discontinues all contact, it honestly BREAKS my heart. And I'm gonna go cry it out in the shower... But every day the sun rises and every night the stars are out.... no matter the cloud coverage... So I just need to work on getting rid of the cloud coverage!

Life Lessons

Days like these... so today was one of those days that everything seemed to touch a special part in my heart. I feel like such a sap. To start out I went to church and it was really great!! I mean the message was totally fitting for my life right now. The Main idea was about how, to move forward towards the future, we must first take responsibility for the past. And they talked about repenting and forgiving... and forgiving ourselves! Such a great message, but still dealing with all that stuff is still a pretty touchy subject! 

And then I came back and started cooking. I didn't want to surrounded by  silence so I turned the tv on and walked to the kitchen. It just so happened that it was the count down on the CMT network... I was thinking "Great, I love country" and then it came to the song "Boys of fall"... I was drawn in to the couch when the song came on and it made me get tears in my eyes. Still a really good message the couch was talking about before the game... you won't get this feeling every friday night later on in life, it'll come when you get married, when you buy a house, when your kid is born... (or something like that) And he was just talking about taking advantage of right now and not focus or worry about the future!

So then I was thinking about a poem someone had mentioned to me. So I searched for the few lines I knew and this poem came up http://www.yuni.com/library/docs/304.html What a great poem. And one that many people should read. Strength to the individuals and going forward. Make your own happiness! 

The many lessons one can be reminded of in only a few hours from many different sources.