life decisions and where they lead

So I found out today that my 20 year old cousin is pregnant. Yes, that's right, she's 20 and from the north, not married, actually, probably not even sure which one of her 2 unsteady boyfriends is the father. Her dad, who is a complete douche, even asked her what the hell she was thinking b/c she doesn't like kids and can't feed her animals, but every 3rd day or so. I mean, I hope this is what will change her life around and  get her in the right direction. But should the responsibility lie in the hands of an uncapable being who is innocently brought into this world?! I think NOT! And then to go even further, is to think there is me... who in a few days will b 26... a few years ago, I had planned on being married by now and on my way to having children. But alas, I don't think I'm any closer than when I was 14! And I LOVE children... from their runny noses to their dirty diapers, to their desire to share the weirdest facts and craziest parts of their imaginations... I can't get enough of it... and I'm waiting for that time when I feel like I'm prepared to bring a little life into a safe, caring environment. I honest broke down and cried when  my mom told me about my cousin. It breaks my heart that this is the situation that a life is being brought into... and then I think a part of me is jealous... b/c at least there would be someone I could care for that would appreciate my love and affection! But I want the best for my future child, and right now is not the best... and may never be, and this fact, makes me sad, to the depths of my being... but very few people can understand this fact. Just gotta pray for the best and that this little life that is being brought into the world is smothered with love... And at the end of this day, I have to remember that everything happens for a reason even if we can't see what that reason is!

Days of 13

I never believed in Friday the 13th or the 13th floor, or any of that jazz... but this 13th, I wish I didn't have to live through. Highs and lows are to be expected... but I wish there could be days that are just taken out of the calendar. This day will Forever be remembered as one that some doors are closed and then some doors are opened. What happens when the doors that open, aren't the ones you want at all. How long do you wait? It seems as though I've been waiting and it's getting me no where... but there's really no other options at the moment.... o this 13th day of 2011... Good day to you, and good ridence as the day comes to an end! Thank God! (I dropped the F bomb today... and I NEVER do that)

On another note: I love the song, You are the Best Thing That ever happened to me! Oh, Ray LaMontagne... sing it!! There's just something about ppl who feel their music! And "I" love it!! (And today that might be what I'm going to sleep holding on to.... thanks Ray, u make me feel that it's okay to experience life!)
But When someone loves someone that much, how do you express it? Well I have my own way, and I'm sure others have their special ways. Floating on clouds and dancing around. That's where I'd be. To each his own... as is every day of this life! I made it through another one! : )