These Days

So after a great weekend of having fun and a  great lead up by having El Porton for the first time... the rice soup is amazing, by the way, but I will never admit it out loud! After spending 5 nights cuddling with a boy that at one point I would've  spent my life with, I come back to reality of my life. I got thru a day ... and then friday night I had an amazing night, taking a long, hot bath, drinking lots of wine, talking  on the phone every once in a while... and yes , my bath was THAT long.  I had a great day hiking in a new spot, and then slacklining with a great group of ppl... but I did not really drink b/c I had to get home  somehow.... haha... someday I willl partake more... mayb it was b/c an 8 yr old face planted b4 i got there and had a ridiculousness on her face that i did NOT want?!  got home, and went to bed, then got up, went to church, and then as soon as I got home, I started drinking... the typical of my life of late. I was making pancakes..... to put strawberries that I have... on.... yeah, by the time I got the pancakes mostly cooked, I could only eat one pancake with strawberries... at 1 oclock... and now... 4 hrs later, I made my fav, cheese dip, and am eating that, while drinking more wine, (to make my hangover from earlier go away - the first time I've ever drank to make a headache go away from drinking...) and I'm a completely happy girl now that I'm drinking more and cheese dip fed... except that all that I can think about is that bad news bears... boy that I will officially drive away from, for the last time in 19  days... yes, that's right,  only 19 days.... today I thought of last year at this time and I can't believe it's a year later... but it is and I'm, going on my way.... sorry if it's not what you want, but YOU had your chance to change things... and YOU didn't... so  I AM GOING!!

Thanksgiving holds a New meaning for me this year

So many people use today to look back and reminisce about their lives  in the past few days/months/years, however long, and to realize how fortunate they've been. Well my day was spent with very nice people, some complete strangers, some friends... but none of my family. After years of not spending the holiday seasons with them, you'd think it'd get easier, but it's just changed it's importance. Today is the day that I've officially made big decisions. Heck, I'm pretty sure that getting married would be on the same level as what I've voiced today. But alas, I'm still going to be single and have no intention of getting hitched ANY time soon. But what I can tell you is that BIG things are going to happen. God is not just leading me in a direction right now, he's shoving me off a cliff and saying, trust me. So for the first time in a long time, I'm going to truly try. Wow, it's scary, but really exhillirating at  the same time. As I've spent the night applying for cruise ship jobs, playing with a kitty that is just starting his life, I am left with this sense that my purpose is bigger than my life right now, bigger than I have any idea of. So I'm going to go to sleep tonight knowing that I have a great things ahead of me, new adventures, new friends, wonderful family, diehard  friends, and enjoyment! And believe me, I do not have the sick idea that I will not struggle or have my hardships, but they're going to be new and  I'm not going to let myself be stuck in this rut for any longer, being sucked into habits that I just can't seem to shake... And I'm thanking the dearest friend I have hear, and her listening/advising ear over Mexican, that I need to go forward. And sadly this will be without her by my side... but some friends stick forever! And I'm pretty sure that distance isn't going to stop r texts or venting sessions!  Bittersweet right now... but everything is looking upward and forward! And my thanks goes out to you Rach!

Felt So Good On My Lips

So I totally LOVE this song. I mean, how can you absolutely not just want to sing along? You can't! Since the first time I heard it, I hum it all the time. The lyrics are a bit questionable... but do-able... and heck, how can you not love something that "felt so good on my lips" This takes me back to the movie Old School when the beer touches his lips... but this is much more catchy, and I like the idea a lo more than the idea of that movie!  And I totally want someone to write a song like that about me... except I don't want it to involve a booty call. I just want pure innocent fun... that can turn into a serious, fun relationship if it so happens to... but really I just want someone to sing this song and think of me! Either way, I love it and will continue to turn the volume up super high and sing a long every time this song come on! Mmmm... the Good stuff!

control freak

So I know now how stupid I was that when looking back. I remember so times that I feared I wasn't changing my life, only b/c I wanted control... and thought that keeping it the way it was, would be the only way I could keep control of it. But alas. I wasn't in control of it then at all, I just feared the different path, changing my life, meant for me to travel. I feared it so much, I stayed and put myself through way too much crap. I know it wasn't my fault that I wasn't treated great, but it was my fault that I stayed, and put up with it. The fear of the unknown was just too much for me to bear. And then, with that fear building, and all my frustration building, it all came to a boiling point. And sha bang. Probably the worst spot in my life. I felt like I had no where to turn, no one to cling to, nothing. But that was just all an illusion too, b/c I had super great friends through it all, parents who literally DID EVERYTHING that they could for me, and a God who never left my side. It's so crazy that my view can change so much in retrospect, even so soon. But this has been such a learning experience... and not an easy one, but a much needed one. I know there are many more lessons to learn, and control will always be a struggle of mine, but every day at the beginning and end, and countless times in between, I say to myself, "let it go, just let it go"

Memories

So I've realized that watching a taylor swift video when you don't feel the best physically and you've been drinking wine, is NOT a good idea. There is only so much my heart can handle. And as much as that amount has been growing lately, it still has it's limits. And right now I've reached it for the day... this started out being a reminiscent  time about a few memories that I can't get out of my head... and I'm just gonna throw those out there right now... There's many memories that I've wanted... and I've had to create them for myself... like the time that my initials were carved in wood with another persons with a heart in the middle... I had to do it... like the time I laid in the hammock with someone beside me... b/c I'd begged for it for hours, like the first time I held your hand walking down the street, b/c i grabbed it and you were tipsy, like the time when we were alone in the middle of the lake on your boat, b/c no one else could go and you didn't want to miss a day,  like going skinny dipping for the first time, b/c i guilted you into it and no one else was around, like toasting to our everlasting love and getting married, b/c I was sick of the path of our life.... And my favorite memory ever is the time when a country cd was put on and you held your hand out to me and we slow danced in your living room... and that is the one memory that i did nothing to create... it was pure bliss and my heart holds onto that forever. And there are so many others that I try to push back and forget and right now they're all coming at once and I seriously just want no b sad any more. After someone turns their back on you, and discontinues all contact, it honestly BREAKS my heart. And I'm gonna go cry it out in the shower... But every day the sun rises and every night the stars are out.... no matter the cloud coverage... So I just need to work on getting rid of the cloud coverage!

Life Lessons

Days like these... so today was one of those days that everything seemed to touch a special part in my heart. I feel like such a sap. To start out I went to church and it was really great!! I mean the message was totally fitting for my life right now. The Main idea was about how, to move forward towards the future, we must first take responsibility for the past. And they talked about repenting and forgiving... and forgiving ourselves! Such a great message, but still dealing with all that stuff is still a pretty touchy subject! 

And then I came back and started cooking. I didn't want to surrounded by  silence so I turned the tv on and walked to the kitchen. It just so happened that it was the count down on the CMT network... I was thinking "Great, I love country" and then it came to the song "Boys of fall"... I was drawn in to the couch when the song came on and it made me get tears in my eyes. Still a really good message the couch was talking about before the game... you won't get this feeling every friday night later on in life, it'll come when you get married, when you buy a house, when your kid is born... (or something like that) And he was just talking about taking advantage of right now and not focus or worry about the future!

So then I was thinking about a poem someone had mentioned to me. So I searched for the few lines I knew and this poem came up http://www.yuni.com/library/docs/304.html What a great poem. And one that many people should read. Strength to the individuals and going forward. Make your own happiness! 

The many lessons one can be reminded of in only a few hours from many different sources. 

Door mats

So as I was chatting with an old friend of mine today, the topic of doormats was brought up. You think that this is unusual b/c not many people talk frequently about doormats, b/c they're very useful, but not very interesting. Quite the contrary, at least with the doormats we were speaking of. 
So let me bring you up to speed on a few things. There are people in this world that would do anything for others, and I mean anything. They'd go get you a bandaid if you skinned your knee then sit there with you until you dried your tears and give you an extra kiss to make the pain go away; they'd go get you an ice cream cone if you needed cheering up and watch a funny movie with you; they'd hold your hair back if you were puking from drinking too much when they told you too many times that night to slow down and they'd get you in your jammies and check on you multiple times through the night; those same people would make you dinner and surprise you with their thoughtfulness just for now reason to make you feel special; they'd buy you little presents or leave you little surprises to find and make you smile. Now these are the same people that once they've done these things, get honed in on and USED. They're not only the one you go to with your concerns or when you need help, they're the ones that you ask to do things you could do yourself, or things you just don't want to. And yes, they do it with out hesitation. Why you ask yourself? B/c they live to help others. They are needed. They thrive on others' needs. Some one tells them to jump and they respond with "how high?" as they squat down to take their stance. They are fully taken advantage of. Used. Neglected. Thrown away like trash and then picked back up when someone reliable is needed around. They're not appreciated as the priceless individuals that they are, but overlooked as if they were invisible and worthless. 
I have watched one of my friends be a doormat over and over in her life. As much as I would love to protect her and keep her from the pain that is ultimately on it's way, I can not. And there are times when I question her reasoning for doing these things b/c I can only see pain as a result, but I can't say too much, b/c I realize that I'm laying on the ground right there by here side. 
Each time after being hurt really bad, I make these goals of changing and becoming more aware of my circumstances. But alas, every time, I end up in the same spot, caring and loving and doing as if my life depended on it.... B/c it does and I doubt it'll ever change.

Starfish of My Life

A vacationing businessman was walking along a beach when he saw a young boy.
Along the shore were many starfish that had been washed up by the tide and were sure to die before the tide returned.
The boy walked slowly along the shore and occasionally reached down and tossed the beached starfish back into the ocean.
The businessman, hoping to teach the boy a little lesson in common sense, walked up to the boy and said, "I have been watching what you are doing, son.
You have a good heart, and I know you mean well, but do you realize how many beaches there are around here and how many starfish are dying on every beach every day. Surely such an industrious and kind hearted boy such as yourself could find something better to do with your time.
Do you really think that what you are doing is going to make a difference?"
The boy looked up at the man, and then he looked down at a starfish by his feet. He picked up the starfish, and as he gently tossed it back into the ocean, he said, "It makes a difference to that one”... 

This legend was distorted slightly when told to me, but it got the point across... I was told that there will always be starfishes in my life. But I ask, when you see the same starfish voluntarily on the beach, totally washed out, how many times do you throw it back in the ocean? When do you give up? Or is it giving up when you finally walk past that one to reach for another? I'm working on walking past... cuz the starfish just doesn't want to be in the water.

Complicated Caring

So I was told that I keep bringing myself down by allowing myself to be put out there to be torn down. I am a helper. I just want to help. I want to make people's lives better. I want to be a lover. And the minute that bitterness and dislike start to slip out of view, the lover in me takes over, and the whole process just happens again. Over and over, time after time, my heart swells and then breaks... I don't think it's going to stop. I don't think it can stop b/c I'm meant to love and I don't want to stop that. I just need to find people that want my love, the large amounts I have. And boys out there need to realize that just b/c I hang out with you and hug you and love you, doesn't mean I want to get with you. Dang it. I am the same friend with or without a man in my life. I want friends. I don't want boys who wanna get lucky to try to act like my friends. I want those good intentions b/c those are the only ones that I'm giving out. Ugh. Right now I just wanna fight, then cry, then hug and love. B/c no matter how bad things get, or how sad I am. I will always love and I can't stop it. Dang it. Sometimes I wish I could care less....

Some days are Rougher than others

I can't deal with this not knowing what's going on... I've been doing well for about a week... actually it's been a wonderful, fun-filled, amazing, low-stress week... but it's starting to build up again. I mean, I don't have a job, I still have bills, and I can only go stay with friends for so long before they start asking why I don't stay long term. Okay, here's the scenario: I had a major crisis in my life, so I quit my job, moved 1000 miles away back to my parents house, somewhere I swore I'd never live again, and cried more than any 25 year old should. I was an emotional volcano. But healing has taken place and I've been running around seeing friends (actually only 3..haha, isn't that pathetic that I've only seen three in almost 4 weeks - that's why I need to get out of here) and begun to remember what I've loved in my life. I am now getting back at the "what the hell am I going to do with my life" stage. I swear I've applied for more than 30 jobs and I've heard nothing back. I have no answers and no job offers. I am going back to my parents house tomorrow and I'll be there for a good, solid week. I don't know how it'll go. I know they want me to get on with my life too but they really can't do anything for me either. Right now I'm just having a slight melt down. Maybe I need to pray and sleep on things... I know everything will work out. It always does, and in retrospect it's never as bad as it seems. But gosh darn it, I need a job and a place to stay and friends.... and in addition to all of those things... I want HUGS. Lots of them, too!

Ebay love hate relationship

Ebay. I love it. I mean, I’ve had many GREAT experiences on there. But I’ve also had a couple bad ones… really it was just ONE bad one until a week ago… but they both come down to being my own stupid fault. I mean the most recent one… I overlooked one, yes ONE spot where there was a description, and bought the wrong product. It took over 8 days to get to me, and then was blatantly right there in bright big red letters, the description that I had overlooked in the seller’s description. Needless to say I gave horrible reviews, and then I did the wrong thing. I sent him an email, telling him I was upset with his description. Holy cow, he ripped me a new one AND continued to yell at me telling me I was stupid… well in response, I told him the attitude was not needed and our interactions were over. I’d take my mistake and move on. And he responded, yep, still complaining that it was me who had a bad attitude. The way this all happened, it was quite obvious that it was a male specimen. Which right now, makes me put another tally mark under their column on why they’re so horrible… But still this is not even close to my first run in with “EBAY” or what I was made to believe was ebay. O how I regret that quick decision and the loss of that much money… yeah, I was that dumb blonde naïve girl. But I’m not blonde, nor dumb, and I’d like to think that I’m not naïve… but maybe my thinking that all people are good hearted and aren’t evil, proves me to be very naïve. Either way I am down a lot of money and have a few more notches in my belt. What a way to start out living in a new city, in a new state, knowing no one and getting gypped (no offense to you gypsies out there – I admire you’re lifestyle) online!

Seeing Friends

So I have a good friend who’s been in Africa for the past year. And I say that we’re good friends b/c we lived together… and we had the friendship love going on… but since we’ve lived together we’ve both gone very separate ways. I traveled around the US dabbling in lots of little adventures while he went off to fight a much bigger battle in Sudan (and right now he has malaria… no joke, and that scares the living crap outta me), and there he met the woman of his dreams. Now he is a wonderful guy. That is not in question at all. But I want to see my Jer Bear again. And I don’t really know the likelihood of that happening if things keep progressing down the path they’ve started. I know how life is here. You settle down, get married, have kids, and then you’re lucky if your good friends that live on the other side of the state, get to see you every other year. What the crap is going to happen when there is a whole flipping ocean in between… and then probably several states! UGH! On days like this I wish the world was not so big and it was easier and took less time to travel. There are many days I wish that… and they usually come down to the people that I hold dear to heart.. b/c they’re too far away to hold dear to my being! There is NOT enough love in this world… Spread it, share it, squeeze it outta people… do whatever it takes to get it out there! Cuz as much as it can suck some times, it’s the best thing in the world

Weight loss key

So I’ve just discovered the best weight loss idea in the world. I mean, it may take off years of your life as well, but not need to worry about that right now. It’s stress… and not the every day, you drive me crazy kinda stress, but the honest, gut wrenching, I can’t handle this kinda stress. It’s only been 3 weeks for me and I’ve already lost 10 lbs. This is not the level of stress, where you just want to eat your worries away, this is the point where, no matter how much you eat, the hole in your stomach will allow the food a way out before it is processed. And if that doesn’t work, then the extra high level of acidity in your stomach will take care of all that’s left. It’s not really very pleasant, but you don’t have to worry about the physical pain that much, b/c you’re all too consumed by whatever the stress was that caused this break down in the first place. Tests have not been done to see long term effects of this diet, but studies have shown to lessen the years on peoples’ lives. So I guess this is another one of those days you’ve gotta choose your battles.

First Time

The first time is always a little scary along with that intense rush! So here I go! This is hopefully going to be my working journal from now on... I'm sitting here drinking wine... and if you know me, that's quite atypical. But hell, why not? I've felt like I should throw up for the past 3 weeks. I don't want to do anything. I have no idea what's going on in my life. It's such a mess... but honestly I don't have any reason to complain. I've got true friends who love me and care about me, a family who will support me always, and good food and a roof over my head... heck, if I didn't have bills to pay, I'd just float from house to house. It makes me feel really wanted and loved. I just need a purpose in life and right now I feel like I have NONE! I need someone to really help me! I need someone to kick me in the ASS and set me straight... but all the ass kickin I've gotten so far in the past month has done is make me fall on my face! And those bruises sure do hurt and last a long time! Along with the bruises on my heart and on my hand... where do ppl get off?

And what the hell am I? I'm not a hippie b/c I don't smoke pot, am I earthy? or natural? all I know is that I like to pee whenever, where ever I feel like it!