Things learned/remembered tonight

So as the day was coming to a very needed end, I made the silly mistake to look for sweet tart jelly beans at another store... well, how about that? Swimsuits on sale... and wait, there's one I wanted to get last season... in my size... this HAS to be my day, right?! Wrong. I took 2 different ones, and learned, my booty is in NO way ready for swimsuit season to come around, and I need to avoid them until absolutely necessary or I'm drunk enough not to care. Then, wait, clearance jeans, for under $5. Heck yes. Oh wait, and they even have my size... off to the dressing room I go... only hang my head... I can't even pull one pair up b/c  my thighs are too big... and the other pair ... uh, lets just say  muffin top.... so I decided to go a size bigger and just wing it. Then off to look for the jelly beans, but NOPE, they don't have all their Easter selection out either... too bad they didn't have liquor there or I would've gotten sum of that to sooth my irritated shopping trip.... And to top it off... I remembered that NO McDonald's in Arkansas has shamrock shakes... and just let me tell you, that's just a sin! And now it's bed time....

life

One of those days is today.... that I realized I would  forget about beach vacations, having a pet, and even having children... if it meant 1 thing.... and now I'm doing without all those things and not getting that other thing. So when I take a step away from my life and look at it. I am not getting fulfillment from the things that mean the most to me, and I'm trying to fill those with things that make me look happy... And gosh darn it, I'm doing a fabulous job with the way I'm filling it... at least for other ppl... it's just days like today that make me analyze my life hardcore, that I realize that I have nothing in my life worth living for...

Lies

So I've realized in the past few days that my life has become a big lie. I've  listened to people's comments about my life and realize how great of a front I must be putting on. I've been told that "it seems like ur life has really turned around for you" as I look them and laugh extremely long and hard in my head. Heck, I'm bitchy all the time, and it's all I can do to put up with stupid ppl and live my life without cracking... I can't answer the question of what my purpose is in my job or my life... heck, that has to be the worst feeling in the world. And I'm done with it! Just done...  Is it wrong that this years resolution is happening on feb 4 weekend? good cuz I'm doing it! I'm not having a pitty party 2night, I'm having, I enjoy life evening... and hopefully I won't do it alone... and if so, screw it, I am more than capable of a great life on my own! 

life decisions and where they lead

So I found out today that my 20 year old cousin is pregnant. Yes, that's right, she's 20 and from the north, not married, actually, probably not even sure which one of her 2 unsteady boyfriends is the father. Her dad, who is a complete douche, even asked her what the hell she was thinking b/c she doesn't like kids and can't feed her animals, but every 3rd day or so. I mean, I hope this is what will change her life around and  get her in the right direction. But should the responsibility lie in the hands of an uncapable being who is innocently brought into this world?! I think NOT! And then to go even further, is to think there is me... who in a few days will b 26... a few years ago, I had planned on being married by now and on my way to having children. But alas, I don't think I'm any closer than when I was 14! And I LOVE children... from their runny noses to their dirty diapers, to their desire to share the weirdest facts and craziest parts of their imaginations... I can't get enough of it... and I'm waiting for that time when I feel like I'm prepared to bring a little life into a safe, caring environment. I honest broke down and cried when  my mom told me about my cousin. It breaks my heart that this is the situation that a life is being brought into... and then I think a part of me is jealous... b/c at least there would be someone I could care for that would appreciate my love and affection! But I want the best for my future child, and right now is not the best... and may never be, and this fact, makes me sad, to the depths of my being... but very few people can understand this fact. Just gotta pray for the best and that this little life that is being brought into the world is smothered with love... And at the end of this day, I have to remember that everything happens for a reason even if we can't see what that reason is!

Days of 13

I never believed in Friday the 13th or the 13th floor, or any of that jazz... but this 13th, I wish I didn't have to live through. Highs and lows are to be expected... but I wish there could be days that are just taken out of the calendar. This day will Forever be remembered as one that some doors are closed and then some doors are opened. What happens when the doors that open, aren't the ones you want at all. How long do you wait? It seems as though I've been waiting and it's getting me no where... but there's really no other options at the moment.... o this 13th day of 2011... Good day to you, and good ridence as the day comes to an end! Thank God! (I dropped the F bomb today... and I NEVER do that)

On another note: I love the song, You are the Best Thing That ever happened to me! Oh, Ray LaMontagne... sing it!! There's just something about ppl who feel their music! And "I" love it!! (And today that might be what I'm going to sleep holding on to.... thanks Ray, u make me feel that it's okay to experience life!)
But When someone loves someone that much, how do you express it? Well I have my own way, and I'm sure others have their special ways. Floating on clouds and dancing around. That's where I'd be. To each his own... as is every day of this life! I made it through another one! : )

These Days

So after a great weekend of having fun and a  great lead up by having El Porton for the first time... the rice soup is amazing, by the way, but I will never admit it out loud! After spending 5 nights cuddling with a boy that at one point I would've  spent my life with, I come back to reality of my life. I got thru a day ... and then friday night I had an amazing night, taking a long, hot bath, drinking lots of wine, talking  on the phone every once in a while... and yes , my bath was THAT long.  I had a great day hiking in a new spot, and then slacklining with a great group of ppl... but I did not really drink b/c I had to get home  somehow.... haha... someday I willl partake more... mayb it was b/c an 8 yr old face planted b4 i got there and had a ridiculousness on her face that i did NOT want?!  got home, and went to bed, then got up, went to church, and then as soon as I got home, I started drinking... the typical of my life of late. I was making pancakes..... to put strawberries that I have... on.... yeah, by the time I got the pancakes mostly cooked, I could only eat one pancake with strawberries... at 1 oclock... and now... 4 hrs later, I made my fav, cheese dip, and am eating that, while drinking more wine, (to make my hangover from earlier go away - the first time I've ever drank to make a headache go away from drinking...) and I'm a completely happy girl now that I'm drinking more and cheese dip fed... except that all that I can think about is that bad news bears... boy that I will officially drive away from, for the last time in 19  days... yes, that's right,  only 19 days.... today I thought of last year at this time and I can't believe it's a year later... but it is and I'm, going on my way.... sorry if it's not what you want, but YOU had your chance to change things... and YOU didn't... so  I AM GOING!!

Thanksgiving holds a New meaning for me this year

So many people use today to look back and reminisce about their lives  in the past few days/months/years, however long, and to realize how fortunate they've been. Well my day was spent with very nice people, some complete strangers, some friends... but none of my family. After years of not spending the holiday seasons with them, you'd think it'd get easier, but it's just changed it's importance. Today is the day that I've officially made big decisions. Heck, I'm pretty sure that getting married would be on the same level as what I've voiced today. But alas, I'm still going to be single and have no intention of getting hitched ANY time soon. But what I can tell you is that BIG things are going to happen. God is not just leading me in a direction right now, he's shoving me off a cliff and saying, trust me. So for the first time in a long time, I'm going to truly try. Wow, it's scary, but really exhillirating at  the same time. As I've spent the night applying for cruise ship jobs, playing with a kitty that is just starting his life, I am left with this sense that my purpose is bigger than my life right now, bigger than I have any idea of. So I'm going to go to sleep tonight knowing that I have a great things ahead of me, new adventures, new friends, wonderful family, diehard  friends, and enjoyment! And believe me, I do not have the sick idea that I will not struggle or have my hardships, but they're going to be new and  I'm not going to let myself be stuck in this rut for any longer, being sucked into habits that I just can't seem to shake... And I'm thanking the dearest friend I have hear, and her listening/advising ear over Mexican, that I need to go forward. And sadly this will be without her by my side... but some friends stick forever! And I'm pretty sure that distance isn't going to stop r texts or venting sessions!  Bittersweet right now... but everything is looking upward and forward! And my thanks goes out to you Rach!